This is the beginning of a new chapter in my life. I am Lynne and this is the first time I am meeting me. I am slowly finding out who I am and what I like to eat, to drive, to watch on television. A journey of discovery……
Someone asked me, so… tell me about yourself… I immediately cringe. I lived in a horror or a thriller… where do I begin? One of five children, very loving and happy mom. Yes, she can also be described as a mama. Full of love, but don’t dare step out of line, you will get her full heritage, all over you. Mamma is a book on her own. Sadly she passed away over a year ago now, January 4, 2019. I have such a connection with mom. A complete good-bye, a little sadness, but such an honour to have served her. (It was hard work, no one else would do it!)
My life changed when she passed because my sole job was mom’s caregiver for seven years. I am a person who serves, looking out for everyone else’s needs. I didn’t feel that I had any value. I couldn’t look in a mirror and say, ‘hello you beautiful person.’ It was near impossible.
My first husband was cruel and unkind. A facade of a character that everybody seemed to love, not just like. I was the sulky one, because behind closed doors, he wasn’t a husband at all. A dictator, slamming his fists on the kitchen table if he was not happy.
The whirlwind of a married life to this person was like walking on egg shells every day. I thought this was normal. Why on earth do people get married, I would think, this is like a prison. I wasn’t allowed to go anywhere without first phoning him, at work. So I didn’t do that very often. I would rather gently ask in the morning before he left for work if I could possibly take the new puppy to the park. If he was in a good mood, normally all was okay. If he wasn’t, puppy and I had to stay home.
It is amazing that so many years later, I am beginning to be able to share my story with others, and that no matter what you go through, there is a HOPE and an exciting new life waiting to begin. I don’t have to ask permission to go for a walk; I can enjoy the forest and spend an hour there if I want to. I realised that I am not a horrible person, I have just been in pain and that caused much bitterness and eventually hatred towards this person. I am in the healing stages and not so afraid anymore. Moving forward…