It is my turn to share. Tuesday evening’s meeting of the East Kent Writers Group had come round. It had seemed okay to say yes to sharing last month, but now – why on earth did I say yes? I’m so nervous. My mouth is dry. I’m shaking and I feel so unprepared.
I enter the Zoom Room – everyone is already there – prepared and brimming with expertise, it seems. Writing shared, critiqued with intellect and insight. I sit in silence, trying to soak in this knowledge, but comparison looms, fuelling doubt. Others continue, pouring out at length. It’s getting later. Great, they’ve forgotten about me! Wonderful! I only had seven minutes to prepare…
Then the voice of the host, “Lynne, it’s your turn.”
Okay. Deep breath. I can do this. And it flowed. I grabbed, with my eyes, a word from my page, and poured out my story to the room. It came across, I thought, rather jumbled, like water from a tap, long forgotten. And then I had no more. Dry. My notes didn’t go any further. I had to just stop. I said, “The End.”
Everyone went quiet.
I saw a few mouths looking at me, open. And I’m thinking, oh gosh, I really wrecked this one! There’s always another time.
Then the comments came. Oh, thank you God! My GOLDEN BUZZER MOMENT!
When the person gets up to sing, not expecting anything. The judges fall silent, mouths wide, looking back at the contestant before them. Then one leans forward and pushes the golden buzzer. And the golden flakes rain down. And within the rain, realisation – I delivered. They understood me. They got it!
Quickly follows the moment when the singer collapses, in a low bow or hitting the floor. I love that GOLDEN BUZZER MOMENT! I take a deep breath. Lord, we did it, we did it! I can feel it deep inside my heart and soul. Something is birthing that just took control – the person that I truly am, comes rushing out. And the fear, the fear goes way back. A soft, gentle confidence is taking its place. I’m so grateful – all this learning.
I’m opening up, discovering my voice – my author voice. It’s mine, it’s me, uniquely me, it’s who I’ve been born to be. I can’t wait to discover what else will emerge…